Worldwide concern as “3rd world” Texas struggles to contain Measles outbreak
Austin, TX— In a shocking turn of events, health officials from the developing world are expressing concern over a rapidly spreading measles outbreak in the struggling, underdeveloped state of Texas. Once considered a beacon of modernity, Texas has recently fallen into a dangerous cycle of medical misinformation, leaving its vulnerable population at risk.
International aid organizations, typically focused on war-torn nations and remote jungle villages, have begun shifting their attention to Texas, where ancient superstitions about “vaccines causing autism” and “freedom” have led to a public health crisis. Experts from countries with stable healthcare systems, such as Canada and even Mississippi, have labeled the situation “deeply concerning.”
“We’ll do everything to help our poor brothers and sisters in Texas” said Dr. Prince Krebs, a public health expert monitoring the crisis and leading the African aid initiative to help Texans. “We’re preparing aid packages which include vaccines and medicines.”
The state’s ruling elite, led by Governor Greg Abbott, has been slow to respond, reportedly out of fear that promoting vaccines might be seen as “woke.” Officials instead urged residents to “pray on it” and trust in their own immune systems, leading to packed churches full of highly contagious believers.
On the ground, local journalists report that citizens are relying on alternative medicine, with some turning to holistic healers and horse dewormer—proven remedies in the fight against logic. “I heard vaccines got mind-control chips in ‘em,” said Dallas resident Cletus Monroe while applying essential oils to his feverish toddler. “Bill Gates ain’t gonna make no robot outta me.”
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has attempted to intervene, but many Texas citizens view the organization with deep suspicion, seeing it as an arm of an oppressive, science-based regime. Some local leaders have gone so far as to suggest that measles, despite being highly contagious and preventable, is simply part of life, much like extreme weather events, mass shootings, and overpriced brisket.
Even developing nations, typically accustomed to receiving Western aid, are watching with alarm. “We have spent years trying to eliminate measles with limited resources,” said Dr. Adebayo Okafor, a Nigerian epidemiologist. “Meanwhile, Texas has all the money and technology in the world but chooses to act like a medieval village. It is baffling.”
Adding fuel to the fire, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, formerly an anti-vaccine activist and aspiring presidential candidate, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has weighed in, calling the outbreak “a woke hoax designed to push Big Pharma profits.” Speaking at a rally in Houston, RFK Jr. insisted that the best way to fight measles is through “natural immunity, prayer, and possibly drinking raw milk.” His statements were met with applause by a crowd already suffering from persistent coughs.
The United Nations has reportedly considered a humanitarian vaccine drop, parachuting MMR shots into rural Texas in the dead of night to ensure children receive lifesaving immunity before their parents can intercept them. In an unprecedented move, several African and South American countries have offered to send medical advisors to Texas, hoping to teach local leaders how to combat preventable diseases.
For now, the world watches with concern as Texas continues its valiant fight against modernity, reason, and basic disease prevention.
If this wasn’t utterly clear, this is a satire post. If you took it seriously, you deserve Trump!