Pakistan shoots down 200 Indian jets as India kills 1 million terrorists

Subcontinent sets new world record in imaginary warfare

ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI — The South Asian neighbors once again locked horns this week in their favorite sport: delusional militaristic posturing, as state media in both Pakistan and India reported stunning and entirely unverifiable military "victories" against one another.

Pakistan proudly declared it had shot down 200 Indian fighter jets, presumably by luring them into a trap baited with tea and nationalistic ballads. Meanwhile, India responded with its signature cool-headedness by announcing it had neutralized 1 million terrorists across five dimensions—air, land, sea, WhatsApp groups, and the astral plane.

This tit-for-tat came despite the fact that both countries are:

• Facing crippling inflation,

• Importing more oil than common sense,

• Experiencing unlivable summer heat,

Heatstroke and Hypermasculinity: A Dangerous Mix

Experts believe the recent surge in chest-thumping isn't geopolitics—it's heatstroke-induced testosterone spikes.

“It’s 47 degrees Celsius, and both countries are being governed like they're in a WWE storyline,” said a regional analyst while sitting in front of a broken fan and a melting map.

Sources say soldiers on both sides were seen yelling threats across the Line of Control, not realizing they were actually shouting at mirages. Several tanks reportedly stalled after overheating, and one border outpost was abandoned entirely when the occupants left to find an AC.

War on a Budget

Despite announcements of “decisive victory,” independent economists have pointed out that neither country can afford a war without taking a loan from the very countries they're pretending to be tougher than.

A leaked internal report from India’s Ministry of Finance showed war plans scribbled on the back of an Aadhaar application, with a budget breakdown that included "donations from NRIs," "recoveries from Bollywood stars," and "one-time war tax on samosa."

Pakistan, for its part, has reportedly approached the IMF with a request titled: "Emergency Funds for Symbolic Victory."

National Pride, International Embarrassment

News anchors in both countries experienced testosterone surges so violent that entire newsrooms had to be mopped up afterward. One Indian anchor challenged Pakistan to “a one-on-one duel in space,” while his Pakistani counterpart called for an “aerial Ghazwa-e-Hind” while holding a plastic model of an F-16.

Climate Change: The Real Winner

As both nations beat their chests to the rhythm of jingoistic drumbeats, glaciers are melting, rivers are drying, and agricultural output is plummeting.

Scientists have confirmed that the only real winner in this regional shouting match is climate change, now advancing uncontested while defense ministries argue over the poetic symbolism of their alleged victories.

“Instead of airstrikes, maybe focus on air conditioning,” suggested one UN envoy, before being labeled "anti-national" by both countries simultaneously.

Conclusion: War is Hell (But Only If It’s Affordable)

With rising temperatures, empty coffers, and a combined GDP still trying to recover from the COVID coma, it remains unclear whether either country can afford a real war. But as long as imaginary ones continue to generate likes, retweets, and national pride (without needing receipts), the subcontinent remains a simmering pot of heat, hormones, and hysteria.