Oh No, It’s 4th of July: Americans are gonna be insufferable again
Meanwhile, most Americans remain deprived of basic health insurance coverage so common everywhere in Europe
Brace yourselves, world. The barbecues are heating up, the bald eagles are stretching their wings, and somewhere, someone in Ohio is buying red, white, and blue Bud Light like it’s a form of patriotism. That’s right—it’s the 4th of July. The day when the US of America collectively forgets every lesson it’s ever refused to learn and instead remembers that freedom is best expressed by blowing things up near children.
Let Freedom Ring (Loud Enough to Startle the Dog)
Every year on this day, Americans gather to celebrate their independence from Britain by pretending they know what the Revolutionary War was about. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t about testosterone-induced “USA…USA…USA” chants or shooting at ceiling fans because “you thought it was a drone.”
Millions will flood social media with posts like “Proud to be an American” under a picture of an assault rifle and a slice of pie. Because nothing says "liberty" like confusing consumerism with constitutional rights and a country with a Costco.
Military Worship with a Side of Potato Salad
Expect the usual fireworks tribute: explosions in the sky, synchronized with Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” because emotional manipulation is a time-honored tradition. Meanwhile, someone at the party is shouting that the military “fights for our freedom,” which sounds noble, until you remember the last time the U.S. invaded a country to protect American freedom was... never.
From Iraq to Vietnam to “we still don’t know why we bombed Iran,” the 4th of July is the one day a year when people will praise military “adventurism” with the confidence of a nation that still thinks “Mission Accomplished” wasn’t a meme.
Grilling, Gaslighting, and Gunpowder
This sacred day of American exceptionalism will involve:
Singing the national anthem off-key.
Confusing patriotism with superiority.
And someone yelling “if you don’t like it here, leave” at their cousin who brought a book.
Don’t forget the flags—on shirts, on cars, on actual dogs. And just to keep things spicy, at least one uncle will launch illegal fireworks into a dry cornfield while muttering about “woke communists.”
Ignorance: A Founding Principle?
It’s a tradition to pair the 4th of July with complete historical illiteracy. You’ll hear phrases like:
“The Founding Fathers fought for low taxes!”
“America is the only free country!”
“We won World War II alone!”
Which is funny, because none of it is remotely true—but why let history ruin a perfectly good beer-fueled fantasy?
Meanwhile, the Rest of the World…
From Berlin to Lahore, the rest of us watch in a mixture of awe, horror, and confusion. We scroll past TikToks of gender reveal fireworks turning into forest fires, listen to Americans explain how they “saved Europe,” and brace for the flood of memes declaring that freedom was invented in 1776 and nowhere else.
It’s the one day of the year when the U.S. gets so aggressively proud of itself, it somehow manages to invade every timeline on Earth.
So happy 4th of July, America. May your politics remain irrational, your fireworks barely legal, and your geography just as brazen. Just remember: liberty isn’t just about saying “We’re #1!” while ignoring every healthcare statistic.
And to the rest of us outside the blast zone: stay hydrated, mute the hashtags, and whatever you do—don’t engage with the Facebook posts.