Jens Spahn loses the “finish a sentence without blaming immigrants” challenge

Photo/Thumbnail: José Cruz/Agência Brasil CC BY 3.0 br

It was a slow news day in Germany, and the country’s most daring television show, Hart aber Unfair, decided to introduce a thrilling new segment: The Spahn Challenge. The rules were simple—Jens Spahn, one of the leaders of the conservative Christian Democrats Union party that emerged victor in the federal elections last month, had to finish one single sentence without blaming migrants for something. The stakes? National honor, credibility, and, most importantly, a free bratwurst.

The studio audience buzzed with excitement. A large countdown clock loomed over the set. The moderator, a seasoned journalist barely suppressing a smirk, turned to Spahn.

“Alright, Mr. Spahn. Are you ready?”

Spahn nodded confidently. He adjusted his tie, cleared his throat, and took a deep breath.

“Let’s begin with something easy,” the moderator said. “Complete this sentence: Germany’s housing crisis is caused by…”

The audience leaned in. Beads of sweat formed on Spahn’s forehead. He opened his mouth.

“Germany’s housing crisis is caused by—” He paused. His right eye twitched. The muscles in his jaw clenched. The audience held their breath. He could do this.

“—complicated bureaucratic processes, market deregulation, and an influx of—” He stopped himself just in time. His hands shook.

He looked around desperately. The camera zoomed in on his lips, trembling like a man holding back a sneeze in a library.

“And an influx of… investors?” he whispered, barely audible.

A single clap echoed in the silence. Spahn gasped for air. He was doing it. He was winning.

The moderator smiled. “Very good, Mr. Spahn. Let’s try another one. The problems in our healthcare system stem from…?”

Spahn’s face turned red. He wiped his brow.

“The problems in our healthcare system stem from… a lack of funding, poor long-term planning, and an increase in—” His throat tightened. His body convulsed as if possessed.

The audience collectively winced.

“Increase in… aging population?” he choked out, voice hoarse.

The studio erupted in cheers. Spahn grabbed the table for support. His hands trembled like a man who had just lifted the Holy Grail and realized it was too powerful to handle.

The moderator pressed on. “Final question, Mr. Spahn. Complete this sentence: The rise in crime rates is primarily due to…”

Spahn’s vision blurred. His ears rang. A single drop of sweat trickled down his nose. He gripped his chair. His mind raced through every possible answer.

“Primarily due to…” He gasped. “Social inequality, lack of educational opportunities, and—” His body betrayed him. It burst out of him like a demon escaping the depths of his subconscious.

“—AND MIGRANTS!”

The buzzer blared. The audience groaned. The moderator shook his head.

“So close,” he said. “But unfortunately, you lose the challenge.”

Spahn collapsed into his chair, defeated. He had fought the good fight, but some battles were simply unwinnable.

The camera panned to a table where a golden bratwurst sat, steaming and untouched. A small card next to it read: For winners only.

Spahn sighed. Maybe next time.