Israel, West to bring women’s rights to Iran — even if it takes arming ISIS to do it
The 'civilized' West champions weaponizing grassroots movements like 'Women, Life, Freedom' for own political and military gains
In an inspiring new chapter of democracy delivery via drone strike, Western officials together with their eternal middle eastern partner, Israel, have reportedly unveiled a bold new plan to "liberate Iranian women" and "restore democracy" by potentially partnering with every enemy of the enemy — even the more brutal ISIS-style Mullahs/Islamists than the current mullah/Islamist regime in Iran.
“We’ve tried diplomacy, sanctions, and hashtags,” said one unnamed official while sipping a fair-trade oat milk latte. “But nothing says ‘freedom’ quite like financing armed Islamist terroritst factions with a track record of crucifying minorities and banning music.”
Western intelligence agencies are reportedly in delicate backchannel negotiations with various anti-regime elements — including groups that, until recently, were on terrorism watchlists — because, as one senior analyst put it:
“Yes, they chant ‘Death to the West’ — but it’s nuanced.”
This comes hot on the heels of past humanitarian success stories like Afghanistan, where two decades of war, trillions of dollars, and exactly one Beyoncé concert later, the Taliban now governs again — with fresh confidence and old-school misogyny. Or Iraq, where democracy blossomed into dozens of militias and a parliament that takes summers off. Oh, and the unspeakable — you are a Putin troll if you mention it — whitewashing and arming literal Nazi factions like the Azov Brigade in Ukraine as long is it delivers the desired results. Syria might just be the one outlier to give the West enough reason to go at it again. Learning from the West’s perfect trackrecord, Israel did its own adventure of arming ISIS-linked militia to fight against Hamas in Gaza.
🎯 The new strategy: "fund first, regret later"
Critics have raised concerns about arming groups with a history of beheading aid workers and forcing women into burqas, but Western leaders insist the policy is backed by a long legacy of failing upwards.
“We empowered the mujahideen in the ’80s. It worked out great for a while — and who doesn’t love a sequel?” said a think tank fellow with multiple degrees in International Relations and zero hours spent in a war zone.
In an emotional appeal, another official asked:
“What are a few civilian casualties and regional destabilization when women’s rights are on the line?” — conveniently ignoring that the regime to replace the current regime could be more brutal and that there are no guarantees it would cooperate with the West or that stability in the region would improve.
🤝 Solidarity through proxy wars
The plan also includes hashtag diplomacy, air-dropping “Free Iran” T-shirts, and hosting a Davos panel titled “How to empower women to take out the Mullah regime (and fuel our saviour syndrom).”
Meanwhile, actual Iranian women — who have been risking their lives by protesting both regime oppression and foreign meddling — remain caught in the middle of yet another geopolitical cosplay session by well-meaning empires with amnesia.
Democracy, like avocado toast, may not travel well — especially when it's delivered by people who mistake bombs for ballots and proxy wars for progress.
But at least we can all agree on this: nothing promotes human rights like tactical airstrikes and very selective freedom.