Group of South African Karens granted asylum in the US
“It’s not racism, it’s reverse apartheid,” says woman who’s never met her gardener’s first name.
In a groundbreaking move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever attended a country club, a group of white South African citizens — self-identified as "Karens Without Borders" — have been granted political asylum in the United States under a new executive order signed by President Donald Trump.
The women claim they were fleeing “genocide,” a term here defined as “having to live within 10 kilometers of a Checkers supermarket that doesn’t carry imported oat milk.”
“We were being hunted,” said Cheryl van den Boshoff, sipping a flat white outside a Fort Lauderdale Whole Foods. “Every day, my sense of cultural dominance was under siege. My maid even asked for a raise.”
The group’s asylum bid was initially denied by U.S. immigration authorities for lacking evidence of actual persecution, but was fast-tracked under Trump’s new White Saviors Protection Act (WSPA), which streamlines immigration for “white people who feel vibes-based oppression in countries where they no longer run everything.”
“Look, I’ve always said America should welcome the right kind of immigrant,” Trump declared at a press conference held between the 9th and 10th holes of his golf course. “These are good people. They speak English, they love gated communities, and most importantly—they’re afraid of the same people I am.”
Critics of the move have questioned both the legality and the morality of the asylum grants, with one UN official commenting, “We’ve seen political asylum used for war refugees, LGBTQ+ activists, and journalists under threat. This might be the first time it’s been used for white women upset that their yoga studio was relocated to Soweto.”
The Karens, for their part, have already begun assimilating into suburban American life, taking up leadership roles in local PTA meetings, HOA boards, and Nextdoor apps, where they advocate for gated communities “free from cultural Marxism and loud music.”
“We’re not racist,” explained Karen du Toit, adjusting her infinity scarf. “We just believe in property rights, tradition, and a government that understands the value of blonde children.”
One of the women has even filed a lawsuit against a local pharmacy for not stocking her preferred brand of cruelty-free sunscreen, citing “emotional genocide” as grounds.
When asked if any of the Karens planned to return to South Africa once things “settle down,” van den Boshoff shook her head solemnly. “No, it’s far too dangerous. They’ve started renaming streets. Next thing you know, they'll expect us to pronounce them correctly.”
Editor’s Note: As of press time, the Department of Homeland Security had reportedly received a new wave of asylum applications from disgruntled expats in Dubai, Hong Kong, and Monaco, citing “persecution by wealth taxes” and “an inability to connect with the help.”