Fatwa says water up your ass can invalidate fast
In what can only be described as a historic breakthrough in human anatomy, a cleric from Madani Channel has issued a fatwa declaring that water entering one’s posterior while washing up can invalidate one’s fast during Ramadan. This bold and scientifically groundbreaking revelation has left the general public confused, biologists in stitches, and plumbers questioning their entire profession.
The cleric also provided strict toilet posture guidelines, advising people to sit with legs tightly shut while washing up to prevent water from accidentally making its way into the stomach—because, as we all know, the human body functions like a leaky water bottle.
If that wasn’t enlightening enough, he also issued a warning against breathing too much in the toilet, stating that the impure smells might somehow compromise the fast. At this point, scientists are wondering if fasting should come with a snorkel.
The Science (or Lack Thereof) Behind the Fatwa
According to basic biology, physics, and common sense, the human rectum does not function as a secret passage to the stomach—unless, of course, one is living in an alternate reality where toilets work in reverse.
Yet, this cleric seems to believe that washing up with water is a dangerous game—one wrong move, and suddenly your intestines become a highway, fast-tracking liquid straight to your digestive system. NASA should take notes, because apparently, we’ve been overlooking a revolutionary new method of hydration.
Doctors worldwide have also expressed concerns. One gastroenterologist remarked:
“If water entering the rectum directly hydrates the body, we should reconsider how IV drips work. Also, I think I need a drink.”
Meanwhile, biologists are petitioning to have this cleric awarded the Nobel Prize in Fiction.
New Guidelines for ‘Halal’ Toilet Usage
If you’re wondering how to safely use the toilet without accidentally drinking from your rear end, fear not—the cleric provided clear guidelines:
Sit with your legs tightly shut – Because this will magically alter the laws of fluid dynamics and prevent water from entering places it naturally doesn’t go.
Hold your breath – Since inhaling foul odors apparently invalidates fasting, it is advised that you stop breathing altogether while in the toilet. (Side effects may include death, but hey, at least your fast will be valid.)
Possibly avoid using water entirely – Given the risks, scholars may soon consider ruling that toilet paper is the only safe option to prevent accidental water ‘consumption’. (Our Western readers must be thrilled.)
Social Media Reacts: A Roast Fest Ensues
Unsurprisingly, social media had a field day. The fatwa was met with waves of trolling, satire, and pure bewilderment. Some highlights include:
“If my stomach is connected to my rear, does that mean I can eat from both sides?”
“We should build toilets with seat belts to prevent accidental water infiltration.”
“Breaking news: All fish have been disqualified from fasting.”
“Would love to see the scientific experiment that led to this discovery.”
Even plumbers got involved, with one commenting:
“We fix pipes for a living, and even we know that water doesn’t flow in that direction.”
Final Thoughts: A New Era of Hygiene Anxiety
As Ramazan aka Ramadan continues, one can only wonder what new fatwas await us. Will toothpaste be banned because minty breath is too refreshing? Will showering be outlawed in case moisture gets “absorbed”? Should bathing be replaced with dry-cleaning to ensure a truly ‘pure’ fasting experience?
Only time will tell. Until then, fasting individuals are advised to invest in airtight swimsuits, stop exhaling near toilets, and, if possible, reconsider science altogether.