FA's Chief Genital Inspector to ensure exclusion of trans women from football team
By Common Sense News (which was unfortunately banned for using too much of it)
In a bold leap backward into the Victorian era, the Football Association (FA) has announced its latest initiative to preserve the sanctity of women’s football: mandatory genital inspections. Yes, you heard it right — the beautiful game just got a little pervy.
“We believe in fair play,” said Sir Chadwell Blazer, Head of the Department of Panicked Overreactions. “And nothing says ‘fair’ like a clipboard-wielding bureaucrat checking under your kit before kickoff.”
The policy, proudly titled Operation Crotchwatch, is part of the FA’s new commitment to what they call “biological integrity” — a term they borrowed from 1950s high school textbooks and lightly dusted with pseudoscience.
Under the new rules, all female athletes must undergo what officials described as a “dignified yet thorough” examination before being allowed to compete. The exams will be carried out by a panel of specialists, which includes one gynecologist, two retired referees, and someone’s aunt who once read an article on chromosomes.
The FA assures the public that this isn’t discriminatory at all. “We’re not targeting trans women specifically,” said Blazer. “We’re just suspicious of anyone who runs fast, tackles hard, or doesn't wear pink shin guards.”
Fans React
Football fans were understandably stunned.
“I came here to watch goals, not genital policing,” said one supporter, midway through burning his season ticket. “Next they’ll be measuring estrogen levels during half-time.”
Another fan, clutching a rainbow flag and a sausage roll, added: “Funny how they never inspect the men’s league for ‘biological advantages’ — unless someone scores too many headers, then it’s straight to the lab.”
Players Speak Out
Players, meanwhile, have expressed concerns that the policy may slightly infringe on their human rights.
“I trained 15 years for this,” said one midfielder. “Now I have to prove my womanhood like I’m on trial in a medieval court?”
A goalkeeper added: “I already have to deal with trolls online. Now I have to worry about surprise pelvic exams before a match? What’s next — uterus VAR?”
The FA Responds
When pressed about the scientific validity of the policy, the FA released a statement:
"We consulted several experts on Twitter and one YouTube video that seemed very convincing. Also, we felt something needed to be done, and this was something. And then there’s the court’s decision"
Coming Soon: DNA Penalty Shootouts
The FA has teased future measures including menstrual tracking apps for eligibility, hormone hurdle races, and — for the especially fast players — random ancestry tests to ensure no one has a suspiciously athletic third cousin.
In conclusion, the FA wants you to know this is all about “protecting women’s sport”. Because nothing says protection like reducing athletes to their reproductive organs in front of a panel of strangers.
Play on, patriarchy. Play on.